As a little girl, I was always a shepherd when our church did the nativity... seems they always picked the girly pretty girls to be Mary.... I didn't even get to be an angel... sheesh....
But, when I grew up, I had the incredible honour more than once to portray Mary, both for the nativity and for the crucifixion. What a privilege.
Enjoy this version, and Merry Christmas!
BREATH OF HEAVEN (Mary's Song)by Amy Grant
I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy Father, You have come
And chosen me now
To carry Your Son
I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For You are holy
Breath of Heaven
Do You wonder as You watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of Your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, Your holiness
For You are holy
...Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For You are holy
Breath of Heaven....
Breath of Heaven....
Breath of Heaven....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LC3FGjVQbd8
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Today I cried...
...and while this should not surprise anyone, it actually surprised me a bit. There I was, standing in church, worshipping with everyone else, and the band played the intro to "Holy, Holy, Holy" - not the hymn.
While I listened, the men on the praise team began to sing - only the men. And I began to weep. I had no clue that was coming and it took awhile to figure out why it happened. Yes, I was deep in worship; yes, the music was wonderful. But, it was something very different that hit me. It was the sound of men worshipping, leading in worship.
What I finally figured out was that the longing of my heart - though it is truly a heart in waiting - is to have the kind of relationship that worships - one that sings, one that prays, one that is led by a godly man. But, it was even better to know that it wasn't for me I cried, even though that longing is very real.
Just last night my son sat with tears streaming saying that his dad decides to move away just the time he needs him most. And he's right. No amount of spiritualizing the thought is taking that reality away. Of course, he and I both know that God wants to be his Father... to teach him how to be a man- wild at heart, and totally committed to Christ, but it sure would be nice if someone with skin on would step into my little man's world and walk the journey with him.
Listening to these men sing today..."we fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus...." brought that prayer to the fore yet again, and with it came the tears. What an incredible gift God gave me in that today.
While I listened, the men on the praise team began to sing - only the men. And I began to weep. I had no clue that was coming and it took awhile to figure out why it happened. Yes, I was deep in worship; yes, the music was wonderful. But, it was something very different that hit me. It was the sound of men worshipping, leading in worship.
What I finally figured out was that the longing of my heart - though it is truly a heart in waiting - is to have the kind of relationship that worships - one that sings, one that prays, one that is led by a godly man. But, it was even better to know that it wasn't for me I cried, even though that longing is very real.
Just last night my son sat with tears streaming saying that his dad decides to move away just the time he needs him most. And he's right. No amount of spiritualizing the thought is taking that reality away. Of course, he and I both know that God wants to be his Father... to teach him how to be a man- wild at heart, and totally committed to Christ, but it sure would be nice if someone with skin on would step into my little man's world and walk the journey with him.
Listening to these men sing today..."we fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus...." brought that prayer to the fore yet again, and with it came the tears. What an incredible gift God gave me in that today.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
How sweet it is....
Yesterday was harried. Very. And I was tired by the time I finally got home after 9. The kids helped my mom with her whole trick or treating thing and I visited with my dad and graded a stack of papers. Both very good things to do. On the way home, the kids popped into their dad's to raid his stash of Smarties (a Canadian thing), during which time he told me that, yet again, even though he had committed to keeping the kids while I was away for work, that he's going to Canada instead. grrr. enough said.
So... by the time I got to bed and didn't sleep well, and had a 7:30 meeting this morning... I truly was ready to go home for a nap. Then the bell rang. I went outside to meet my students and as they came in, more than half of them handed me candy from their collection from last night. I have a variety of candy bars, tootsie rolls (my favorite), and even a full size snickers. The fact that I do not need to be eating all of this candy is totally beside the point. The fact that they shared it with me IS the point.
Then, a three line email from a friend, just saying hello and that I am loved came next. What a lovely way to undo the ick of tired and frustration.
How sweet it is...
Monday, October 30, 2006
Read this today....
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:"He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
After reading this, I began to sing...it's just what I do. =) - An old chorus that I have always loved.
"Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire is to be holy, set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be holy, set apart for You, my master, ready to do Your will."
It's hot in here...
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:"He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
After reading this, I began to sing...it's just what I do. =) - An old chorus that I have always loved.
"Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire is to be holy, set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be holy, set apart for You, my master, ready to do Your will."
It's hot in here...
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Huh??
My family came over to help me work on some projects around the house... at one point my brother said (and yes, out loud) that if I had a boyfriend he wouldn't have to be over here helping. Since was the ONLY time I have ever asked for help from the fam, what is UP WITH THAT????
I did laugh out loud though. Told him not to hold his breath and be thankful that we were almost finished.
This made me wonder if my family wishes I had a boyfriend... or wonders why I don't.
No matter. Life is good in my world. If God so ordains to bring someone into it, yay for them: the garage will already be organized, the ladders hung on the fence, and the bistro room valances finished. Oh, and the pot rack has been up for a long time now (thanks to a non -boyfriend soulmate of mine).
I did laugh out loud though. Told him not to hold his breath and be thankful that we were almost finished.
This made me wonder if my family wishes I had a boyfriend... or wonders why I don't.
No matter. Life is good in my world. If God so ordains to bring someone into it, yay for them: the garage will already be organized, the ladders hung on the fence, and the bistro room valances finished. Oh, and the pot rack has been up for a long time now (thanks to a non -boyfriend soulmate of mine).
Monday, October 16, 2006
so........
I figured out how to get one of these things; now can someone help me figure out how to load it properly?
Thursday, October 12, 2006
A Little about teaching....
After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right:
"You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
"You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
"You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
"You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, and a big smile.
"You want me to do all this and then you tell me... I CAN'T PRAY?"
As if.
"You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
"You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
"You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
"You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, and a big smile.
"You want me to do all this and then you tell me... I CAN'T PRAY?"
As if.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Could it be love?
So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
And... Should you use some tongue?
Then you lean in and just go for it!!!
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
And... Should you use some tongue?
Then you lean in and just go for it!!!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Saturday, September 23, 2006
True Confessions
I'm an introvert. There, I said it, or typed it, rather. I was in Mexico for a couple of days for work - related things and came home earlier today. Exhausted. Ok, so I knew I was an introvert, but I didn't know I would be so tired. What's up with that? But, a pedicure, starbuck's and a two hour nap later, I'm.... well.... I'm ready for bed, that's what I am. It's not that I don't like meeting people. I do. Usually. There were some incredibly interesting people there this weekend and I enjoyed the opportunity to spend time getting to know them. And, I love the ocean. Really and truly love it. Having grown up very close to one, I was quite ready for a long walk on the beach and lots of time to listen instead of talk. There are so many little things to be thankful for over the last 48 hours, and I have offered thanksgiving for them all. Even for the reminder of who I am and how I'm wired. For whatever it's worth.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Ambushed
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all
Taking my sin my cross my shame
Rising again I bless Your Name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
Worthy is Your Name© 1991 Shepherd's Heart Music, Inc.
We sang this at church today... well, everyone else did. Three lines in, I began to weep... listening and soaking it up was the very best I could offer to the collective worship. And, it was enough.
Worthy is Your Name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all
Taking my sin my cross my shame
Rising again I bless Your Name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
Worthy is Your Name© 1991 Shepherd's Heart Music, Inc.
We sang this at church today... well, everyone else did. Three lines in, I began to weep... listening and soaking it up was the very best I could offer to the collective worship. And, it was enough.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
...He loves me...
"Not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman yearns to be fought for...She wants to be more than noticed - she wants to be wanted. She wants to be pursued.
Every woman also wants an adventure to share...A woman doesn't want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself...
Every woman also wants an adventure to share...A woman doesn't want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself...
Every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil. Not to conjure, but to unveil. Most women feel the pressure to be beautiful from very young, but that is not what I speak of. There is also a deep desire to simply and truly be the beauty and be delighted in." Eldredge, Wild At Heart, pp. 16-17.
We have a winner.
Angela Thomas eloquently sums it up: "Who will fight for me? Who will be my hero? Who will call me beautiful?" "The questions are rightfully mine, but the answers that truly fill and give strength will only come from God." Thomas, Do You Think I'm Beautiful? pg. 17.
I know this to be true. Nate, thanks for the reminder that God is using this season to truly prepare the message that will be heard by so many women... I appreciate you. Could you ask Jose to stop by though?....
Friday, September 15, 2006
Kleenex
Had I known this week would have been like it has been, I would have invested in stock in Kleenex. The upside is my sinuses are feeling particularly purged of any unpleasantness. My heart, on the other hand is still sorting it all out. Details are not forthcoming, though some are readily available in the local news...but it has been a week of stretching in every possible corner of my emotional world both at work and at home: trust, friendship, forgiveness, loss, parenting, kindness, fairness, truth, wisdom, taking a risk at being known, guarding my heart - yet again, being too much and not enough, letting go, and, of course, the choosing of silence easily a myriad of times. And, by the grace of God alone, I stand, confident that He is able when I am not. And even now... I think I'll check how Kleenex is doing on the stock market...
Monday, September 11, 2006
for the record
satan sucks. ... and I give up. enough said. The rest will just piss everyone off anyway. Besides, I apparently still have two left feet, I am way too clumsy, and don't look so hot on the dance floor... I already knew this... and so, wallflower I remain....
thankful that Jesus isn't embarrassed to dance with me...
thankful that Jesus isn't embarrassed to dance with me...
Sunday, September 10, 2006
My new favorite...
I think I have a new favorite film: Strictly Ballroom. It was recommended in a book I've been studying to use for the retreat. After being unsuccessful at one video store, I finally got a copy of it today and have watched it twice. Once to "feel" the movie; the second time to probe the thinking contained in it.
Oddly enough it's another book I've been reading in preparation for speaking (Angela Thomas' Do you Think I'm Beautiful ?), in addition to this film, that has caused the "aha" moment of the day. Thomas says in her book that God is inviting us to the dance of our lives. Me, the wallflower- the one who longs to dance, but knows no one will ask; the girl with two left feet in so many areas of my life. He wants ME to dance with Him. Him as the lead in our partnership. And I get it. I get the chance to step on his feet, to miss a spin, to fall and try again. And as we "dance" I learn more and more about how He moves and what to expect as He leads me to new places of trust. The protagonist in the movie (which I think everyone MUST see if you haven't already) says the all important line: "I just want to dance our steps."
And, it hit me, again, but in a new way. The dance I do with Jesus is ours and ours alone. The more we dance, the more I love dancing with Him. The more we dance the steps He has planned, the more I relax and enjoy it. It's when I think I'm not worthy of the dance, or when I try to dance my own way and strive against His lead that I end up clumsy, ungraceful and disappointed.
This movie could have been about anything, but I love that it is about dancing (since it's something I have always loved), and that it is a great reminder that the God of the universe is "playing our song" and inviting me to the dance.
And, clumsily, hesitantly at times, and certainly longingly I say, "yes, I'd love to...."
Oddly enough it's another book I've been reading in preparation for speaking (Angela Thomas' Do you Think I'm Beautiful ?), in addition to this film, that has caused the "aha" moment of the day. Thomas says in her book that God is inviting us to the dance of our lives. Me, the wallflower- the one who longs to dance, but knows no one will ask; the girl with two left feet in so many areas of my life. He wants ME to dance with Him. Him as the lead in our partnership. And I get it. I get the chance to step on his feet, to miss a spin, to fall and try again. And as we "dance" I learn more and more about how He moves and what to expect as He leads me to new places of trust. The protagonist in the movie (which I think everyone MUST see if you haven't already) says the all important line: "I just want to dance our steps."
And, it hit me, again, but in a new way. The dance I do with Jesus is ours and ours alone. The more we dance, the more I love dancing with Him. The more we dance the steps He has planned, the more I relax and enjoy it. It's when I think I'm not worthy of the dance, or when I try to dance my own way and strive against His lead that I end up clumsy, ungraceful and disappointed.
This movie could have been about anything, but I love that it is about dancing (since it's something I have always loved), and that it is a great reminder that the God of the universe is "playing our song" and inviting me to the dance.
And, clumsily, hesitantly at times, and certainly longingly I say, "yes, I'd love to...."
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Love Actually
I just finished watching "Love Actually," - for at least the third time. While I thought I remembered lots of this movie, I decided to watch again just to see if there was a clip of it I could use for the retreat at which I'm speaking. It's rated R. On purpose. There were so many potential moments, but they all included some language or inuendo or action that would ensure my never being invited back. So it's a no- go for this movie at the retreat. No matter. I was home alone for the first time in many weeks; I actually sat down and watched a whole movie; I laughed out loud; I cried, and I ate dark chocolate covered raisins... happy as a pig in slop.
And I was reminded that "love actually" is... just is...layer upon layer, story within story... it is.
Nate, again, thanks for the recommendation so many, many months ago to watch this movie. I did then, and completely enjoyed it all over again.
My brain is full of all the things I "could" write about, but I'm going to pull a Mary and "ponder some things in my heart."
See the movie; you'll come away thinking too....
Monday, September 04, 2006
Spent
I was told on Friday that I do too much and that I should spend the weekend resting. What a lovely thought. And while I did have an enjoyable time with a friend on Friday night for dinner (on the way home from haircuts) and then had lunch with my parents, kids, and same friend on Sunday, the rest of the weekend is a total and utter overloaded blur.
Saturday was just the busy kind of busy ... you know "Let's see if we can find that bunkbed we were looking for" kind of busy. Problem is: the rest of the week was so busy, even that was draining. I might need to mention I hate crowded, hectic places full of selfish narrow visioned people, and seemed to find myself in more than one. I also dislike pushy sales people who won't just let me ask for help when I need it. All that stuff drains me and I was already drained. Guess that's obvious by now.
Sunday though, after church was wonderful and lunch was a sweet time, all hell broke loose. I kept trying to remember Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11-13, truly I did. But I have never missed being married more than I have this weekend. Let's take into consideration the two trips to ikea (and no, that does not happen in Saskatchewan on the same weekend), a trip to my ex's b/c his dog had been alone for two days and the neighbor called me worried, an hour on the phone with said retail four letter word about a defective bunk bed frame.... and the list goes on, I promise.
It's not because my daughter is doing a huge project on fetal development, and not because the bunk bed was incredibly heavy to carry, even if three of us were sharing the load, but because I realize that no matter how much I am committed to loving God first and most, or how much I spend time getting to know Him deeply and intimately, I still physically and emotionally have the bulk of the load and there is only one of me. And I'm tired. Physically, emotionally, even spiritually a little. Satan is working overtime it seems and it is taking purposeful focus on my part to not allow him access to my brain, though I know some of my actions in the last 48 hours would have his fingerprints all over them....
It's not that the kids don't help, they do. A lot. They clean bathrooms and vacuum stairs and help with the cooking and assist each other with homework and help me grade papers. They empty garbages and take out the recycling, and help build furniture and move things way too heavy for any of us. We're a team. God is good to us that way.
And then, the phone rings. My ex, who was supposed to be home by the end of today, called to tell the kids he was just at the border crossing back over into the states, and to call him if they want to talk. Since they hadn't heard from him in a week, they did try, only to get his voicemail on first ring. While this may seem inconsequential, it's yet another evidence of a promise broken, two hearts wounded and all the outflow of emotions that I have to help sort through that seemed to make their appearance exactly while folding laundry, assisting with photo placement in a power point, fixing a broken toilet, cleaning the litter box (and subsequently having evil thoughts toward our beloved Smudge), and making sure dinner is not burning.
Please tell me if I'm just whining. Otherwise, praying is good. We will get through this, and I know I'm not really alone... and I didn't even feel "alone" this weekend. Just very keenly aware of what alone might mean for me for the long haul. And,I am grateful for Jeremiah 29:11-13 over and over again. They are a promise worth holding on to, and I do. Tomorrow is a new day, and there is still chocolate in fridge. Life is good enough.
Saturday was just the busy kind of busy ... you know "Let's see if we can find that bunkbed we were looking for" kind of busy. Problem is: the rest of the week was so busy, even that was draining. I might need to mention I hate crowded, hectic places full of selfish narrow visioned people, and seemed to find myself in more than one. I also dislike pushy sales people who won't just let me ask for help when I need it. All that stuff drains me and I was already drained. Guess that's obvious by now.
Sunday though, after church was wonderful and lunch was a sweet time, all hell broke loose. I kept trying to remember Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11-13, truly I did. But I have never missed being married more than I have this weekend. Let's take into consideration the two trips to ikea (and no, that does not happen in Saskatchewan on the same weekend), a trip to my ex's b/c his dog had been alone for two days and the neighbor called me worried, an hour on the phone with said retail four letter word about a defective bunk bed frame.... and the list goes on, I promise.
It's not because my daughter is doing a huge project on fetal development, and not because the bunk bed was incredibly heavy to carry, even if three of us were sharing the load, but because I realize that no matter how much I am committed to loving God first and most, or how much I spend time getting to know Him deeply and intimately, I still physically and emotionally have the bulk of the load and there is only one of me. And I'm tired. Physically, emotionally, even spiritually a little. Satan is working overtime it seems and it is taking purposeful focus on my part to not allow him access to my brain, though I know some of my actions in the last 48 hours would have his fingerprints all over them....
It's not that the kids don't help, they do. A lot. They clean bathrooms and vacuum stairs and help with the cooking and assist each other with homework and help me grade papers. They empty garbages and take out the recycling, and help build furniture and move things way too heavy for any of us. We're a team. God is good to us that way.
And then, the phone rings. My ex, who was supposed to be home by the end of today, called to tell the kids he was just at the border crossing back over into the states, and to call him if they want to talk. Since they hadn't heard from him in a week, they did try, only to get his voicemail on first ring. While this may seem inconsequential, it's yet another evidence of a promise broken, two hearts wounded and all the outflow of emotions that I have to help sort through that seemed to make their appearance exactly while folding laundry, assisting with photo placement in a power point, fixing a broken toilet, cleaning the litter box (and subsequently having evil thoughts toward our beloved Smudge), and making sure dinner is not burning.
Please tell me if I'm just whining. Otherwise, praying is good. We will get through this, and I know I'm not really alone... and I didn't even feel "alone" this weekend. Just very keenly aware of what alone might mean for me for the long haul. And,I am grateful for Jeremiah 29:11-13 over and over again. They are a promise worth holding on to, and I do. Tomorrow is a new day, and there is still chocolate in fridge. Life is good enough.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Filler
Some days I feel like filler. You know... just someone to talk to until the person someone really wants to talk to comes along by either showing up, or calling, or logging in...
Or I feel like the person who gets the leftovers, if there even are any, of someone's time. Sometimes I'm blown off completely for some better offer, or someone more exciting. I don't like the way my heart feels when I'm filler.
It's not that I want to be the center of attention - I don't even like the "all eyes on me" thing - and for a myriad of reasons - but, man, it sure would be nice to be sought out, looked for.
The very grown up, mature, and remotely wise person inside of me says I'm lame and to get over myself. The other remotely wise part of me says that I'm over tired and have been working too much and too many long days (let's not even go there).
The rest of me says hokey doodle... and this is why:
I don't want to sound over-religious, because if you know me at all, that's not how I live or move or have my being. But, it is in Christ that I do, and how often have I allowed Him to be nothing more than filler? Far too often, and His heart is broken, and I caused it.
And, once again, I am incredibly grateful for grace....
Or I feel like the person who gets the leftovers, if there even are any, of someone's time. Sometimes I'm blown off completely for some better offer, or someone more exciting. I don't like the way my heart feels when I'm filler.
It's not that I want to be the center of attention - I don't even like the "all eyes on me" thing - and for a myriad of reasons - but, man, it sure would be nice to be sought out, looked for.
The very grown up, mature, and remotely wise person inside of me says I'm lame and to get over myself. The other remotely wise part of me says that I'm over tired and have been working too much and too many long days (let's not even go there).
The rest of me says hokey doodle... and this is why:
I don't want to sound over-religious, because if you know me at all, that's not how I live or move or have my being. But, it is in Christ that I do, and how often have I allowed Him to be nothing more than filler? Far too often, and His heart is broken, and I caused it.
And, once again, I am incredibly grateful for grace....
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Past Lives
My new friend, Josh, made me laugh today. Hard. It all started at a baseball game on Friday night, which lasted a really long time I might add, so something had to amuse me...
There we sit, Josh one row and directly behind me, chatting away with the person sitting next to him about how much he doesn't like baseball. It gets better. I promise. He then goes on to say if someone were to throw a ball out on the field for him though, he'd chase it for hours (he meant a soccer ball). I, very carefully, and quietly, turned around and just looked at him for a minute and said, "I'm thinking maybe you were a dog in another life." What made it so funny was he tilted his head just like my retriever does when I make her think.
Of course I don't believe in past lives (one is plenty, thank you very much, and I'm so looking forward to the eternal one), but it just fit the situation sooooo very well. We laughed and moved on.
Later though, he made a bet with someone and shook on it. I, again, turned around, and after a moment said, "wow. you were a very well trained dog in your past life then, knowing how to shake and all...."
The best part happened late in the day today. After a nice round of email banter from his office to my classroom, I laughed harder than I had since earlier in the morning when I had yet another email banter (pre kids in the room...) about the proper salutation for a certain gentleman.
I finally explained to Josh that I don't really believe in luck or karma, nor past lives, but knowing him was causing some doubt in my iron- clad thought process. His response: "Well, you sure made it much easier to understand why I like to pee outside."
He is such a man. A funny one, I might add, and has the makings of a great friend. I will forgive him this once the dare of doing a cartwheel outside the ballpark at midnight with a thousand people watching.
Hey, it was dare. What's a girl to do? Sure as heck wasn't going to pee outside....
There we sit, Josh one row and directly behind me, chatting away with the person sitting next to him about how much he doesn't like baseball. It gets better. I promise. He then goes on to say if someone were to throw a ball out on the field for him though, he'd chase it for hours (he meant a soccer ball). I, very carefully, and quietly, turned around and just looked at him for a minute and said, "I'm thinking maybe you were a dog in another life." What made it so funny was he tilted his head just like my retriever does when I make her think.
Of course I don't believe in past lives (one is plenty, thank you very much, and I'm so looking forward to the eternal one), but it just fit the situation sooooo very well. We laughed and moved on.
Later though, he made a bet with someone and shook on it. I, again, turned around, and after a moment said, "wow. you were a very well trained dog in your past life then, knowing how to shake and all...."
The best part happened late in the day today. After a nice round of email banter from his office to my classroom, I laughed harder than I had since earlier in the morning when I had yet another email banter (pre kids in the room...) about the proper salutation for a certain gentleman.
I finally explained to Josh that I don't really believe in luck or karma, nor past lives, but knowing him was causing some doubt in my iron- clad thought process. His response: "Well, you sure made it much easier to understand why I like to pee outside."
He is such a man. A funny one, I might add, and has the makings of a great friend. I will forgive him this once the dare of doing a cartwheel outside the ballpark at midnight with a thousand people watching.
Hey, it was dare. What's a girl to do? Sure as heck wasn't going to pee outside....
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