Recently, a woman did some research for her husband on a topic about which he needed some information. She spent some time making sure he had exactly what he needed, something she says she makes a priority to do as an act of honor and service to him. A few of his friends had also been looking for the info as well, which was a great help to him and a testament to his friendship circle. "Many hands make light work."
I seriously doubt if the wife wants the credit for the research, but when he was asked, the assistance is attributed to "(some) friends." This sits oddly with me, and I'm trying to figure out why. This man loves his wife, but struggles, I think, with claiming her publicly. Sure, it's faster to just say it was friends, less typing, I get that. Maybe he was preoccupied and just answered as quickly as possible, though, that could have been a "Yes, I got it; thanks for asking."
It got me to thinking (yep, here we go again....) about things/people we claim and why. We say, "Oh, he's my son." Or, "That's my school." Or, " I love my church." We claim things to which we have a connection, a love, a commitment, and one about which we want others to know.
Something as simple being verbally "claimed" is powerful. I don't introduce my mom, my children, my fiancee very often without including how we are connected ~ because, for me, those connections are incredibly important. Perhaps they're not as important to others, though, which is certainly possible ~ I do know I'm highly sensitive and relational (trust me, it's a blessing and a curse).
My friend, John, refers to his wife as "Beloved." I can't remember the last time he used her name in a public forum, but what a beautiful claim he puts on her! "Beloved"...... a powerful testament to how he sees her, and lets everyone else know as well. And, you can well imagine how she glows with the security and affirmation that brings.
So, then how can we "claim" those whom we say we love? I'm sure not everyone would like to start using "Beloved" for their spouse, or "fruit of my loins" for their children (what's a good blog entry without some humour, really).
But, it's simple to say, "my wife," or is it?..... Let's practice "claiming" those we love. The message we send is not one of ownership, but connection, respect, honor, and commitment ~ the very things that fill our love tanks to overflowing.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Standing Room Only
So, you walk into a room and there is nowhere to sit. Every available seat is taken ~ either by a person, or someone's belongings. You wait for a minute to see if anyone will move, or notice, or offer. Nothing. The conversation picks up among those in the room, making it clear that you're either 1)unnoticed, or 2) unwelcome.
Oh, that we would understand the hurt we cause when we overlook the simplest of courtesies like "making room" for someone.....
Oh, that we would understand the hurt we cause when we overlook the simplest of courtesies like "making room" for someone.....
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
When Words Are Not Enough
How does one comfort someone who discovers through a "series of unfortunate events" ~ and not the children's novels ~ that a spouse is "window shopping" on a variety of single's sites? The married person (and this could easily apply to someone engaged or in a (stated) committed relationship) claims that because they (wrong pronoun usage, I know; deal with it) haven't "hooked up" with someone - ever - from any of the sites that it's not "a problem". When does "not a big deal" become a "big deal"?
How is pursuing anyone other than your spouse not a big deal? For years, I have heard people ~ both men and women ~ state "Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't read the menu," and I understand what they mean. Wouldn't it be logical, then, that there are those who would defend that perusing single's sites is no different than merely "reading the menu." I mean, there is no intention of actually pursuing a "real" relationship, right? I'm sure some folks can look at athletes or actors and actresses and have no problem "reading the menu." Is it possible that "reading the menu" actually creates a desire to order?
It's not that I don't understand how it happens. I'm someone who knows how easily a moment can turn dangerous, trust me. I've been there, more entangled than I ever thought possible, and it's costly. A loneliness, for whatever reason, sets in, and it's easy to be distracted. I wonder, though, if that's different than pursuing a distraction. Is there a difference when it's an ambush versus a planned attack?
The thought of it makes me heartsick. There are no words of comfort that seem to make sense. There is no way to offer, "But, I'm sure - insert name here- loves you," since the response to that is, of course, "If -insert name here- really loved me, this wouldn't be happening."
I know for certain it's possible to love someone, or at least say you do, and not be vigilant about guarding and protecting your thought life, your internet life, your free time when the spouse is away on business, or out with the guys/girls.
And, then, how does the offender go about changing the behavior that has already so deeply wounded? How does the offended truly trust again without wondering every moment if someone else is the object of attention, no matter the form it takes, and no matter whether the object actually even knows about it? Goodness, if Johnny Depp had ANY idea just how many of my friends love that he's on the "menu".....
So, my thoughts come here because there are no words soothing enough to be the balm that heals that wound. God will have to do that for both spouses, and He can. He can be the protector of a woman's heart when she finds out her husband has repeatedly done"trial runs" on singles sites thinking she will never find out because profiles are "hidden"(and how deceitful is that?). He can heal a husband who learns his wife is corresponding with an old flame she never quite got over, and still flirts with ("harmlessly", of course, exchanging pictures and having conversations about common interests). He can be the source of accountability when hearts are tender towards love.
How does one comfort someone in this situation? I wish I knew.... and, so I pray. Pray that God will convict; pray that God will comfort; pray that God will illuminate; pray that God will humble; pray that God will heal. I listen, and I wait. I cry, and I pray. I hope, and I grieve...... alongside a very wounded heart.
How is pursuing anyone other than your spouse not a big deal? For years, I have heard people ~ both men and women ~ state "Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't read the menu," and I understand what they mean. Wouldn't it be logical, then, that there are those who would defend that perusing single's sites is no different than merely "reading the menu." I mean, there is no intention of actually pursuing a "real" relationship, right? I'm sure some folks can look at athletes or actors and actresses and have no problem "reading the menu." Is it possible that "reading the menu" actually creates a desire to order?
It's not that I don't understand how it happens. I'm someone who knows how easily a moment can turn dangerous, trust me. I've been there, more entangled than I ever thought possible, and it's costly. A loneliness, for whatever reason, sets in, and it's easy to be distracted. I wonder, though, if that's different than pursuing a distraction. Is there a difference when it's an ambush versus a planned attack?
The thought of it makes me heartsick. There are no words of comfort that seem to make sense. There is no way to offer, "But, I'm sure - insert name here- loves you," since the response to that is, of course, "If -insert name here- really loved me, this wouldn't be happening."
I know for certain it's possible to love someone, or at least say you do, and not be vigilant about guarding and protecting your thought life, your internet life, your free time when the spouse is away on business, or out with the guys/girls.
And, then, how does the offender go about changing the behavior that has already so deeply wounded? How does the offended truly trust again without wondering every moment if someone else is the object of attention, no matter the form it takes, and no matter whether the object actually even knows about it? Goodness, if Johnny Depp had ANY idea just how many of my friends love that he's on the "menu".....
So, my thoughts come here because there are no words soothing enough to be the balm that heals that wound. God will have to do that for both spouses, and He can. He can be the protector of a woman's heart when she finds out her husband has repeatedly done"trial runs" on singles sites thinking she will never find out because profiles are "hidden"(and how deceitful is that?). He can heal a husband who learns his wife is corresponding with an old flame she never quite got over, and still flirts with ("harmlessly", of course, exchanging pictures and having conversations about common interests). He can be the source of accountability when hearts are tender towards love.
How does one comfort someone in this situation? I wish I knew.... and, so I pray. Pray that God will convict; pray that God will comfort; pray that God will illuminate; pray that God will humble; pray that God will heal. I listen, and I wait. I cry, and I pray. I hope, and I grieve...... alongside a very wounded heart.
Friday, June 03, 2011
Humbled
"Just wanted to share the wonderful, wise, insightful thoughts of one of the truest heroes I've ever known. Awesome stuff... and there is a great, true story of adventure, white-knuckle dangers, tear-jerking heartbreak, and outrageous laugh-out-loud joy behind every one of her thoughts here. Really inspiring!"
A pastor-friend of mine posted this on FB after reading my "What I Know for Sure" entry. Since he was witness to a good number of the events that prompted the learning of the last decade, his words were some of the kindest I've heard in a long time. Beyond being encouraged, I found myself very humbled. I do not see myself as a hero at all. I couldn't agree more that it's a "story of adventure, white-knuckle dangers, and tear-jerking heartbreak..."
It's words like these that cause me to stop and ponder the journey I've walked, and to be reminded again that my willingness to share it may very well encourage someone else. And, that is is what prompts the response of "outrageous laugh-out-loud joy," making every single moment of the last 10 years worth it all.
A pastor-friend of mine posted this on FB after reading my "What I Know for Sure" entry. Since he was witness to a good number of the events that prompted the learning of the last decade, his words were some of the kindest I've heard in a long time. Beyond being encouraged, I found myself very humbled. I do not see myself as a hero at all. I couldn't agree more that it's a "story of adventure, white-knuckle dangers, and tear-jerking heartbreak..."
It's words like these that cause me to stop and ponder the journey I've walked, and to be reminded again that my willingness to share it may very well encourage someone else. And, that is is what prompts the response of "outrageous laugh-out-loud joy," making every single moment of the last 10 years worth it all.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
What I Know for Sure
not much.....
Ok, maybe I've learned a few things in the last decade.
1) Life is hard, but God is good.
2) Choosing love isn't easy, but it's worth it. Sometimes it's really hard, and may not seem worth it, but it is.
3) That guy who offers to carpool to work with you should be deeply committed to his wife or you should say "no."
4) If you base your value on validation of any kind from anyone other God you're gonna end up disappointed.
5) Women who bash men, even subtly, will stay single a lot longer than they probably want to.
6) Married people who look online at anyone else in whatever way for whatever reason, wound their spouses in the most devastating way. And, their spouses know.... in their guts, they know. And if you think they'll never find out, you're wrong.
7) Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
8) It's worth it to figure out how the people you love feel loved and then do those things.
9) You find out what you're capable of surviving when you think you can't survive what you're facing.
10) God still allows miracles. We should pay better attention to noticing them.
11) Children have a great way of putting things in better perspective, and it's not just because their eyesight is better.
12) Teenagers, when given the chance, are wise and wonderful, while uncertain and longing for direction.
13) Being authentic is not always popular, but it's the only way I'm willing to live.
14) Who you are and what you do when you think no one is watching is who you really are.
15) Trusting God is harder than it should be, until it becomes more simple than you ever thought it could be.
16) Friends who are offended and don't forgive when forgiveness is truly sought are not really friends and probably never were.
17) Sometimes change that is forced up on you ends up being the best thing that could happen.
18) Pursuing excellence is different than being perfect.
19) Silence can be unbelievably loud.
20) Prayer makes a difference. Always. Even when we can't see it.
Ok, maybe I've learned a few things in the last decade.
1) Life is hard, but God is good.
2) Choosing love isn't easy, but it's worth it. Sometimes it's really hard, and may not seem worth it, but it is.
3) That guy who offers to carpool to work with you should be deeply committed to his wife or you should say "no."
4) If you base your value on validation of any kind from anyone other God you're gonna end up disappointed.
5) Women who bash men, even subtly, will stay single a lot longer than they probably want to.
6) Married people who look online at anyone else in whatever way for whatever reason, wound their spouses in the most devastating way. And, their spouses know.... in their guts, they know. And if you think they'll never find out, you're wrong.
7) Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
8) It's worth it to figure out how the people you love feel loved and then do those things.
9) You find out what you're capable of surviving when you think you can't survive what you're facing.
10) God still allows miracles. We should pay better attention to noticing them.
11) Children have a great way of putting things in better perspective, and it's not just because their eyesight is better.
12) Teenagers, when given the chance, are wise and wonderful, while uncertain and longing for direction.
13) Being authentic is not always popular, but it's the only way I'm willing to live.
14) Who you are and what you do when you think no one is watching is who you really are.
15) Trusting God is harder than it should be, until it becomes more simple than you ever thought it could be.
16) Friends who are offended and don't forgive when forgiveness is truly sought are not really friends and probably never were.
17) Sometimes change that is forced up on you ends up being the best thing that could happen.
18) Pursuing excellence is different than being perfect.
19) Silence can be unbelievably loud.
20) Prayer makes a difference. Always. Even when we can't see it.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sticks and Stones....
I've been thinking about the old saying. For as long as I can remember, every time I heard it, even as a child, something didn't sit right. "Names" (aka criticism) DID hurt me. They still do. Oh, I wish I could say that I've learned to "let it go", to understand that "hurt people hurt people".
When my daughter was young, she was given a book ~ You Are Special ~ by Max Lucado, which tells the story of a wooden person, called a Wemmick and named Punchinello, who is learning to find his identity through his maker, not from what others think of him or how they judge him. Worthy Wemmicks get stars stuck on them; unworthy Wemmicks get dots. Lucia, the Wemmick who is deeply connected to her maker, has neither "sticking" to her. Both fall off.
It didn't take me long to understand its message (nor to start reading it to my students on the first day of school), and, even though I "get it", I don't always "own it". What took longer to figure out is why...
Words matter to me ~ a lot. Words of affirmation is one of my love languages. "I appreciate you." "I enjoy you." "You're beautiful." "You amaze me." The list goes on... =) It's why I love getting notes and cards: the words, plus the time it took to make it or choose it, send it....It's also why I've kept the cards that come with the flowers and some of the emails Rod has sent....very happy sigh....words....
I've always joked that words of affirmation are an inexpensive love language. My dad's love language was gift giving. God knew that I would need a different love language because He knew I'd be a teacher and my income would not support that gift language very well.
While it's inexpensive to give words of affirmation, words of criticism and/or discouragement are costly, at least to me. Call me over-sensitive (it wouldn't be the first time), but it makes sense that if I feel loved with positive words, negative words drain the love tank. The positive stay with me....so do the negative.
I'm learning, still, to find my identity in who made me, not in what others say to, or about, me. One thing that remains: it's not easy. But, it is worth it.
Maybe if I were a Wemmick and not a woman, I wouldn't struggle so much. Then again, being wired the way I am, I'm pretty sure I would. Could be why my son suggested that he, my daughter, and I all get "matching" tattoos: a dot falling off.
I'm in.
When my daughter was young, she was given a book ~ You Are Special ~ by Max Lucado, which tells the story of a wooden person, called a Wemmick and named Punchinello, who is learning to find his identity through his maker, not from what others think of him or how they judge him. Worthy Wemmicks get stars stuck on them; unworthy Wemmicks get dots. Lucia, the Wemmick who is deeply connected to her maker, has neither "sticking" to her. Both fall off.
It didn't take me long to understand its message (nor to start reading it to my students on the first day of school), and, even though I "get it", I don't always "own it". What took longer to figure out is why...
Words matter to me ~ a lot. Words of affirmation is one of my love languages. "I appreciate you." "I enjoy you." "You're beautiful." "You amaze me." The list goes on... =) It's why I love getting notes and cards: the words, plus the time it took to make it or choose it, send it....It's also why I've kept the cards that come with the flowers and some of the emails Rod has sent....very happy sigh....words....
I've always joked that words of affirmation are an inexpensive love language. My dad's love language was gift giving. God knew that I would need a different love language because He knew I'd be a teacher and my income would not support that gift language very well.
While it's inexpensive to give words of affirmation, words of criticism and/or discouragement are costly, at least to me. Call me over-sensitive (it wouldn't be the first time), but it makes sense that if I feel loved with positive words, negative words drain the love tank. The positive stay with me....so do the negative.
I'm learning, still, to find my identity in who made me, not in what others say to, or about, me. One thing that remains: it's not easy. But, it is worth it.
Maybe if I were a Wemmick and not a woman, I wouldn't struggle so much. Then again, being wired the way I am, I'm pretty sure I would. Could be why my son suggested that he, my daughter, and I all get "matching" tattoos: a dot falling off.
I'm in.
Monday, May 30, 2011
A Time to Write
Ok....so it's not a biblical principle, but that doesn't mean it's not true. Sometimes, for some of us, thoughts bubble up inside and need to find their way out: thoughts that encourage us; thoughts that plague us; questions that provoke us; concerns that consume us.
I'm keenly aware that not everyone ponders to the depths that I do. Being wired to be a deeply feeling thinker is not always easy, either, and I'm not just talking about myself. There are times I wish I didn't read between the lines or have that "gut" feeling that proves the biblical principle that "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." It would definitely be easier on the people in my world.
Those who do share this "intensity" of thought need an outlet and find it in a variety of ways. Some play music, some create art, others exercise. I write. Let me rephrase that: I NEED to start writing again. Re-reading some of my blogs helps me see where I've been, where I keep looping around and need to (quite frankly) make some progress.
I'm keenly aware that not everyone ponders to the depths that I do. Being wired to be a deeply feeling thinker is not always easy, either, and I'm not just talking about myself. There are times I wish I didn't read between the lines or have that "gut" feeling that proves the biblical principle that "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." It would definitely be easier on the people in my world.
Those who do share this "intensity" of thought need an outlet and find it in a variety of ways. Some play music, some create art, others exercise. I write. Let me rephrase that: I NEED to start writing again. Re-reading some of my blogs helps me see where I've been, where I keep looping around and need to (quite frankly) make some progress.
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