Longing...

I was ambushed this morning when I woke up -emotionally. And, no, I didn't start crying; but, I did start thinking... and we all know what that means.

I'm not sure where it came from... perhaps the fact that there is a lot going on and it all falls on me to get it done. To be honest, I can handle it most of the time, but man...there are days... and this must be one of them.

The movie "The Notebook" keeps playing in my mind. I LOVED that book long before the movie was ever made. The song "Walking Her Home," recorded by Mark Schulz, is the mirror of that book/movie and was playing this morning as my daughter and I were in the car. Great, just what I needed. or not.

And the big deal of it all is that I want that kind of love and don't have it. never did. I know: who doesn't? One time I heard someone tell the story of someone who was "alone for three whole years after his divorce," and how hard that was... I know there are those who have never married who long for that companionship wait so incredibly long for it, but it seems the older I get and the longer I've been single (almost double that three years' experience mentioned), the more I wonder if I'm just invisible in some way, or many....just someone admired for being able to hang ceiling fans and comfort hurting teenagers, listen and laugh with, but not someone to pursue.

Seems lately I'm noticed but not known. Or maybe I just don't go out enough to know the difference. And, "out" for me means going to Lowe's to pick up the blinds, hole filler and flowers to plant. I haven't had a real date for a really, really (add as many as you can say 5 times fast without stuttering) long time. I've considered waving my hanky a couple of times, but it appears that a checkered flag would be required and I'm just not that into making myself noticed. =)

Still, I will choose to trust God in the middle of it all. I will continue to be both the "honey" and the "do" on my "honeydo" list. I will be mom and dad, nurturer and disciplinarian, breadwinner and homemaker, completely dependent on the provision, strength, mercy and grace of Christ, without which I wouldn't have a clue how to cope. I will choose to do the right thing and trust that He "knows the plans He has for me...plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11-13.

Knowing Christ is one thing. Choosing to surrender to Him in everything is something else entirely. I'm finding that surrendering the longings is the hardest of all; and yet, I have a pretty good idea that's the whole point....

The time has come...

My son, who spent the entire week minus Friday in bed, had a life changing event on Friday evening. It was the first day back at school after three days of sleeping, one evening in the ER and one day of being crabby on his way back into the public realm. And, he was invited to attend a college softball game with our school girls' team. Last minute, end of the day, on the way to the car kind of invitation. I let him go... there were, after all, two other guys going and a male teacher,in addition to a van load of giggling girls and their coach. He had a blast. Came in the door smiling from ear to ear, his life forever changed: he had gotten the phone number of a girl...and not one from our school. A cute little 8th grader from all the way across the city. All the details of this meeting and exchange are being held in secrecy amongst a group of 8th graders. I'm not even going to try to figure it out....

One of the things I love about my son is that he is charming, and he is wise - he didn't give her our number because he said he doesn't want her calling here all the time (now THAT is hopeful... LOL).

When I got to thinking about it, I realized that this is a great opportunity to teach him how to treat a woman, however young she is. I think Nate is getting ready to be put on speed dial for whole new reasons.

My boy is becoming a man. It's time, and I'm ok with it, actually enjoying this part of the journey. God is good.

Cooties

We're working on poetry in writing. We started with rhyming couplets today and here are some of the poems we wrote together (me and three classes of 5th graders). We also wrote about Dr. Brown, who is my doctor who graciously came to speak to my class last week. But, I won't publish what we said about him. I still need a good doctor. =)

Aliens

Green and slimy, short and bald
This is what ET is called.
Wounded finger, homesick being
Bike riding wonder: is this what I'm seeing?


What To Write

I could write about the skies
Or I could write about my eyes.

I could write about my summer
Or I could write about my hummer.

I could write about my nose
Or I could write about my toes.

I could write about my sheep
But, really, I would rather sleep.


Cooties

Strange new buggies, floating wild
Something's happening to this child

Lovestruck, and scary guys
I really can't believe my eyes.

I almost think I've got it made,
Cooties aren't real til 7th grade.



Teacher's Thoughts

All in all it's not a bad start
These poems all came from deep in their hearts.

Or not so much. It's hard to tell.
I may never know, and it's just as well.

Saw this on a blog and had to try it...

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Healing Rain - or 5 Days in Seattle

The whole time I was in WaRshington last week, it rained. All except the day I drove to British Columbia to have dinner and spend some time with friends (and what a grand time we had!).

More than once, I thought of this Michael W. Smith song... when I got to snuggle on the couch and read with a six (and a half!) year old who has Cystic Fibrosis ...when my precious friends sat and talked with me about this journey we call life and reminded me of some very simple truths that were blurry through my tears... when Nate and I spent time on the phone...when I watched the rain fall day after day over Puget Sound...when I cried for over an hour yesterday in my own little bit of "healing rain"...

and I have to admit, I'm sometimes more afraid than I want to be...still... I am grateful...


Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain

And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain
To be washed in Heaven's rain...

Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid I'm not afraid...

Doing the Right Thing

... it stinks sometimes...

More

... doctors, more bloodwork... but I made a doctor laugh today, more than once. More than one doctor, too. Some days are like that.

The great part of it all was that because Not so Little Man Anymore needed some bloodwork and a couple of knee xrays (and wow, I know why he's complaining so much now...), we got to spend the day together, talking, laughing, sharing the journey.


I loved today.

Adjustments

We're making some. Lots actually. Some more painful than others... like the one where a friend hurt my feelings, apologized and then just decided I didn't need his friendship (makes it easier for him, I guess) and bailed... like the one where the kids get off the phone with their dad and take three days to have a conversation without snapping, yelling or crying - just enough time to regroup before he calls again... like the friend who made a promise to not "disappear" from my life,again, and did anyway because I can't be something I'm not...like coming home after many hours of working, then fixing dinner, then helping a struggling student with 2 or more hours of homework, every day...like the myriad of doctors' appointments that seem to never end, and are rarely productive...like the tears I finally find time for when the house is quiet and stoicism exhausted.

adjustments... we'll make them, and we'll keep pressing on, grateful that our lives are incredibly blessed with the reminder that God has a plan for this little family of mine and that there are people who truly love us and tell us so; that regardless of the notion some have that it is somehow "less blessed" or "more messy" than someone else's, it is the life God is using to refine us, teach us, love us... and show us that the adjustments are new opportunities to trust His grace and incredible love toward us.

Ode to a Friend

My friend, Nate, deserves some blog space.
Wow, this is plenty. =)
Wouldn't want him to get an ego over this.


p.s. Thanks, Nate, for reading, laughing, praying, sharing, exhorting, encouraging, and "being" with me. You're the B.O.M.B..... and the quintessential R.B.

Sigh

Have you ever....

realized that you're an idiot?

yeah, me too. I hate when that happens.

Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day.

Breath of Heaven

As a little girl, I was always a shepherd when our church did the nativity... seems they always picked the girly pretty girls to be Mary.... I didn't even get to be an angel... sheesh....
But, when I grew up, I had the incredible honour more than once to portray Mary, both for the nativity and for the crucifixion. What a privilege.
Enjoy this version, and Merry Christmas!

BREATH OF HEAVEN (Mary's Song)by Amy Grant
I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy Father, You have come
And chosen me now
To carry Your Son

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For You are holy
Breath of Heaven

Do You wonder as You watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of Your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, Your holiness
For You are holy

...Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness
For You are holy
Breath of Heaven....
Breath of Heaven....
Breath of Heaven....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LC3FGjVQbd8

Just like snow angels, only not as cold.

http://www.star28.net/snow.html

Have fun!

Today I cried...

...and while this should not surprise anyone, it actually surprised me a bit. There I was, standing in church, worshipping with everyone else, and the band played the intro to "Holy, Holy, Holy" - not the hymn.

While I listened, the men on the praise team began to sing - only the men. And I began to weep. I had no clue that was coming and it took awhile to figure out why it happened. Yes, I was deep in worship; yes, the music was wonderful. But, it was something very different that hit me. It was the sound of men worshipping, leading in worship.

What I finally figured out was that the longing of my heart - though it is truly a heart in waiting - is to have the kind of relationship that worships - one that sings, one that prays, one that is led by a godly man. But, it was even better to know that it wasn't for me I cried, even though that longing is very real.

Just last night my son sat with tears streaming saying that his dad decides to move away just the time he needs him most. And he's right. No amount of spiritualizing the thought is taking that reality away. Of course, he and I both know that God wants to be his Father... to teach him how to be a man- wild at heart, and totally committed to Christ, but it sure would be nice if someone with skin on would step into my little man's world and walk the journey with him.

Listening to these men sing today..."we fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus...." brought that prayer to the fore yet again, and with it came the tears. What an incredible gift God gave me in that today.

How sweet it is....

Yesterday was harried. Very. And I was tired by the time I finally got home after 9. The kids helped my mom with her whole trick or treating thing and I visited with my dad and graded a stack of papers. Both very good things to do. On the way home, the kids popped into their dad's to raid his stash of Smarties (a Canadian thing), during which time he told me that, yet again, even though he had committed to keeping the kids while I was away for work, that he's going to Canada instead. grrr. enough said.

So... by the time I got to bed and didn't sleep well, and had a 7:30 meeting this morning... I truly was ready to go home for a nap. Then the bell rang. I went outside to meet my students and as they came in, more than half of them handed me candy from their collection from last night. I have a variety of candy bars, tootsie rolls (my favorite), and even a full size snickers. The fact that I do not need to be eating all of this candy is totally beside the point. The fact that they shared it with me IS the point.

Then, a three line email from a friend, just saying hello and that I am loved came next. What a lovely way to undo the ick of tired and frustration.

How sweet it is...

Read this today....

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:"He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

After reading this, I began to sing...it's just what I do. =) - An old chorus that I have always loved.

"Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire is to be holy, set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be holy, set apart for You, my master, ready to do Your will."

It's hot in here...

Huh??

My family came over to help me work on some projects around the house... at one point my brother said (and yes, out loud) that if I had a boyfriend he wouldn't have to be over here helping. Since was the ONLY time I have ever asked for help from the fam, what is UP WITH THAT????

I did laugh out loud though. Told him not to hold his breath and be thankful that we were almost finished.

This made me wonder if my family wishes I had a boyfriend... or wonders why I don't.
No matter. Life is good in my world. If God so ordains to bring someone into it, yay for them: the garage will already be organized, the ladders hung on the fence, and the bistro room valances finished. Oh, and the pot rack has been up for a long time now (thanks to a non -boyfriend soulmate of mine).

so........

I figured out how to get one of these things; now can someone help me figure out how to load it properly?

A Little about teaching....

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right:
"You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
"You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
"You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
"You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, and a big smile.
"You want me to do all this and then you tell me... I CAN'T PRAY?"

As if.

Could it be love?

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
And... Should you use some tongue?
Then you lean in and just go for it!!!