Could it be love?

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
And... Should you use some tongue?
Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

Sad, But True...

True Confessions

I'm an introvert. There, I said it, or typed it, rather. I was in Mexico for a couple of days for work - related things and came home earlier today. Exhausted. Ok, so I knew I was an introvert, but I didn't know I would be so tired. What's up with that? But, a pedicure, starbuck's and a two hour nap later, I'm.... well.... I'm ready for bed, that's what I am. It's not that I don't like meeting people. I do. Usually. There were some incredibly interesting people there this weekend and I enjoyed the opportunity to spend time getting to know them. And, I love the ocean. Really and truly love it. Having grown up very close to one, I was quite ready for a long walk on the beach and lots of time to listen instead of talk. There are so many little things to be thankful for over the last 48 hours, and I have offered thanksgiving for them all. Even for the reminder of who I am and how I'm wired. For whatever it's worth.

Ambushed

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin my cross my shame
Rising again I bless Your Name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your Name


Worthy is Your Name© 1991 Shepherd's Heart Music, Inc.

We sang this at church today... well, everyone else did. Three lines in, I began to weep... listening and soaking it up was the very best I could offer to the collective worship. And, it was enough.

...He loves me...

"Not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman yearns to be fought for...She wants to be more than noticed - she wants to be wanted. She wants to be pursued.
Every woman also wants an adventure to share...A woman doesn't want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself...

Every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil. Not to conjure, but to unveil. Most women feel the pressure to be beautiful from very young, but that is not what I speak of. There is also a deep desire to simply and truly be the beauty and be delighted in." Eldredge, Wild At Heart, pp. 16-17.

We have a winner.

Angela Thomas eloquently sums it up: "Who will fight for me? Who will be my hero? Who will call me beautiful?" "The questions are rightfully mine, but the answers that truly fill and give strength will only come from God." Thomas, Do You Think I'm Beautiful? pg. 17.

I know this to be true. Nate, thanks for the reminder that God is using this season to truly prepare the message that will be heard by so many women... I appreciate you. Could you ask Jose to stop by though?....

Kleenex

Had I known this week would have been like it has been, I would have invested in stock in Kleenex. The upside is my sinuses are feeling particularly purged of any unpleasantness. My heart, on the other hand is still sorting it all out. Details are not forthcoming, though some are readily available in the local news...but it has been a week of stretching in every possible corner of my emotional world both at work and at home: trust, friendship, forgiveness, loss, parenting, kindness, fairness, truth, wisdom, taking a risk at being known, guarding my heart - yet again, being too much and not enough, letting go, and, of course, the choosing of silence easily a myriad of times. And, by the grace of God alone, I stand, confident that He is able when I am not. And even now... I think I'll check how Kleenex is doing on the stock market...

for the record

satan sucks. ... and I give up. enough said. The rest will just piss everyone off anyway. Besides, I apparently still have two left feet, I am way too clumsy, and don't look so hot on the dance floor... I already knew this... and so, wallflower I remain....
thankful that Jesus isn't embarrassed to dance with me...

My new favorite...

I think I have a new favorite film: Strictly Ballroom. It was recommended in a book I've been studying to use for the retreat. After being unsuccessful at one video store, I finally got a copy of it today and have watched it twice. Once to "feel" the movie; the second time to probe the thinking contained in it.

Oddly enough it's another book I've been reading in preparation for speaking (Angela Thomas' Do you Think I'm Beautiful ?), in addition to this film, that has caused the "aha" moment of the day. Thomas says in her book that God is inviting us to the dance of our lives. Me, the wallflower- the one who longs to dance, but knows no one will ask; the girl with two left feet in so many areas of my life. He wants ME to dance with Him. Him as the lead in our partnership. And I get it. I get the chance to step on his feet, to miss a spin, to fall and try again. And as we "dance" I learn more and more about how He moves and what to expect as He leads me to new places of trust. The protagonist in the movie (which I think everyone MUST see if you haven't already) says the all important line: "I just want to dance our steps."

And, it hit me, again, but in a new way. The dance I do with Jesus is ours and ours alone. The more we dance, the more I love dancing with Him. The more we dance the steps He has planned, the more I relax and enjoy it. It's when I think I'm not worthy of the dance, or when I try to dance my own way and strive against His lead that I end up clumsy, ungraceful and disappointed.

This movie could have been about anything, but I love that it is about dancing (since it's something I have always loved), and that it is a great reminder that the God of the universe is "playing our song" and inviting me to the dance.
And, clumsily, hesitantly at times, and certainly longingly I say, "yes, I'd love to...."

Love Actually

I just finished watching "Love Actually," - for at least the third time. While I thought I remembered lots of this movie, I decided to watch again just to see if there was a clip of it I could use for the retreat at which I'm speaking. It's rated R. On purpose. There were so many potential moments, but they all included some language or inuendo or action that would ensure my never being invited back. So it's a no- go for this movie at the retreat. No matter. I was home alone for the first time in many weeks; I actually sat down and watched a whole movie; I laughed out loud; I cried, and I ate dark chocolate covered raisins... happy as a pig in slop.
And I was reminded that "love actually" is... just is...layer upon layer, story within story... it is.
Nate, again, thanks for the recommendation so many, many months ago to watch this movie. I did then, and completely enjoyed it all over again.
My brain is full of all the things I "could" write about, but I'm going to pull a Mary and "ponder some things in my heart."
See the movie; you'll come away thinking too....

Spent

I was told on Friday that I do too much and that I should spend the weekend resting. What a lovely thought. And while I did have an enjoyable time with a friend on Friday night for dinner (on the way home from haircuts) and then had lunch with my parents, kids, and same friend on Sunday, the rest of the weekend is a total and utter overloaded blur.

Saturday was just the busy kind of busy ... you know "Let's see if we can find that bunkbed we were looking for" kind of busy. Problem is: the rest of the week was so busy, even that was draining. I might need to mention I hate crowded, hectic places full of selfish narrow visioned people, and seemed to find myself in more than one. I also dislike pushy sales people who won't just let me ask for help when I need it. All that stuff drains me and I was already drained. Guess that's obvious by now.

Sunday though, after church was wonderful and lunch was a sweet time, all hell broke loose. I kept trying to remember Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11-13, truly I did. But I have never missed being married more than I have this weekend. Let's take into consideration the two trips to ikea (and no, that does not happen in Saskatchewan on the same weekend), a trip to my ex's b/c his dog had been alone for two days and the neighbor called me worried, an hour on the phone with said retail four letter word about a defective bunk bed frame.... and the list goes on, I promise.

It's not because my daughter is doing a huge project on fetal development, and not because the bunk bed was incredibly heavy to carry, even if three of us were sharing the load, but because I realize that no matter how much I am committed to loving God first and most, or how much I spend time getting to know Him deeply and intimately, I still physically and emotionally have the bulk of the load and there is only one of me. And I'm tired. Physically, emotionally, even spiritually a little. Satan is working overtime it seems and it is taking purposeful focus on my part to not allow him access to my brain, though I know some of my actions in the last 48 hours would have his fingerprints all over them....

It's not that the kids don't help, they do. A lot. They clean bathrooms and vacuum stairs and help with the cooking and assist each other with homework and help me grade papers. They empty garbages and take out the recycling, and help build furniture and move things way too heavy for any of us. We're a team. God is good to us that way.

And then, the phone rings. My ex, who was supposed to be home by the end of today, called to tell the kids he was just at the border crossing back over into the states, and to call him if they want to talk. Since they hadn't heard from him in a week, they did try, only to get his voicemail on first ring. While this may seem inconsequential, it's yet another evidence of a promise broken, two hearts wounded and all the outflow of emotions that I have to help sort through that seemed to make their appearance exactly while folding laundry, assisting with photo placement in a power point, fixing a broken toilet, cleaning the litter box (and subsequently having evil thoughts toward our beloved Smudge), and making sure dinner is not burning.

Please tell me if I'm just whining. Otherwise, praying is good. We will get through this, and I know I'm not really alone... and I didn't even feel "alone" this weekend. Just very keenly aware of what alone might mean for me for the long haul. And,I am grateful for Jeremiah 29:11-13 over and over again. They are a promise worth holding on to, and I do. Tomorrow is a new day, and there is still chocolate in fridge. Life is good enough.

Filler

Some days I feel like filler. You know... just someone to talk to until the person someone really wants to talk to comes along by either showing up, or calling, or logging in...
Or I feel like the person who gets the leftovers, if there even are any, of someone's time. Sometimes I'm blown off completely for some better offer, or someone more exciting. I don't like the way my heart feels when I'm filler.
It's not that I want to be the center of attention - I don't even like the "all eyes on me" thing - and for a myriad of reasons - but, man, it sure would be nice to be sought out, looked for.

The very grown up, mature, and remotely wise person inside of me says I'm lame and to get over myself. The other remotely wise part of me says that I'm over tired and have been working too much and too many long days (let's not even go there).

The rest of me says hokey doodle... and this is why:
I don't want to sound over-religious, because if you know me at all, that's not how I live or move or have my being. But, it is in Christ that I do, and how often have I allowed Him to be nothing more than filler? Far too often, and His heart is broken, and I caused it.
And, once again, I am incredibly grateful for grace....