Out of Sight, Out of Mind...

...or at least that's how it feels sometimes - and I can't say I like it much...

Longing...

I was ambushed this morning when I woke up -emotionally. And, no, I didn't start crying; but, I did start thinking... and we all know what that means.

I'm not sure where it came from... perhaps the fact that there is a lot going on and it all falls on me to get it done. To be honest, I can handle it most of the time, but man...there are days... and this must be one of them.

The movie "The Notebook" keeps playing in my mind. I LOVED that book long before the movie was ever made. The song "Walking Her Home," recorded by Mark Schulz, is the mirror of that book/movie and was playing this morning as my daughter and I were in the car. Great, just what I needed. or not.

And the big deal of it all is that I want that kind of love and don't have it. never did. I know: who doesn't? One time I heard someone tell the story of someone who was "alone for three whole years after his divorce," and how hard that was... I know there are those who have never married who long for that companionship wait so incredibly long for it, but it seems the older I get and the longer I've been single (almost double that three years' experience mentioned), the more I wonder if I'm just invisible in some way, or many....just someone admired for being able to hang ceiling fans and comfort hurting teenagers, listen and laugh with, but not someone to pursue.

Seems lately I'm noticed but not known. Or maybe I just don't go out enough to know the difference. And, "out" for me means going to Lowe's to pick up the blinds, hole filler and flowers to plant. I haven't had a real date for a really, really (add as many as you can say 5 times fast without stuttering) long time. I've considered waving my hanky a couple of times, but it appears that a checkered flag would be required and I'm just not that into making myself noticed. =)

Still, I will choose to trust God in the middle of it all. I will continue to be both the "honey" and the "do" on my "honeydo" list. I will be mom and dad, nurturer and disciplinarian, breadwinner and homemaker, completely dependent on the provision, strength, mercy and grace of Christ, without which I wouldn't have a clue how to cope. I will choose to do the right thing and trust that He "knows the plans He has for me...plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11-13.

Knowing Christ is one thing. Choosing to surrender to Him in everything is something else entirely. I'm finding that surrendering the longings is the hardest of all; and yet, I have a pretty good idea that's the whole point....

The time has come...

My son, who spent the entire week minus Friday in bed, had a life changing event on Friday evening. It was the first day back at school after three days of sleeping, one evening in the ER and one day of being crabby on his way back into the public realm. And, he was invited to attend a college softball game with our school girls' team. Last minute, end of the day, on the way to the car kind of invitation. I let him go... there were, after all, two other guys going and a male teacher,in addition to a van load of giggling girls and their coach. He had a blast. Came in the door smiling from ear to ear, his life forever changed: he had gotten the phone number of a girl...and not one from our school. A cute little 8th grader from all the way across the city. All the details of this meeting and exchange are being held in secrecy amongst a group of 8th graders. I'm not even going to try to figure it out....

One of the things I love about my son is that he is charming, and he is wise - he didn't give her our number because he said he doesn't want her calling here all the time (now THAT is hopeful... LOL).

When I got to thinking about it, I realized that this is a great opportunity to teach him how to treat a woman, however young she is. I think Nate is getting ready to be put on speed dial for whole new reasons.

My boy is becoming a man. It's time, and I'm ok with it, actually enjoying this part of the journey. God is good.

Cooties

We're working on poetry in writing. We started with rhyming couplets today and here are some of the poems we wrote together (me and three classes of 5th graders). We also wrote about Dr. Brown, who is my doctor who graciously came to speak to my class last week. But, I won't publish what we said about him. I still need a good doctor. =)

Aliens

Green and slimy, short and bald
This is what ET is called.
Wounded finger, homesick being
Bike riding wonder: is this what I'm seeing?


What To Write

I could write about the skies
Or I could write about my eyes.

I could write about my summer
Or I could write about my hummer.

I could write about my nose
Or I could write about my toes.

I could write about my sheep
But, really, I would rather sleep.


Cooties

Strange new buggies, floating wild
Something's happening to this child

Lovestruck, and scary guys
I really can't believe my eyes.

I almost think I've got it made,
Cooties aren't real til 7th grade.



Teacher's Thoughts

All in all it's not a bad start
These poems all came from deep in their hearts.

Or not so much. It's hard to tell.
I may never know, and it's just as well.

Saw this on a blog and had to try it...

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Healing Rain - or 5 Days in Seattle

The whole time I was in WaRshington last week, it rained. All except the day I drove to British Columbia to have dinner and spend some time with friends (and what a grand time we had!).

More than once, I thought of this Michael W. Smith song... when I got to snuggle on the couch and read with a six (and a half!) year old who has Cystic Fibrosis ...when my precious friends sat and talked with me about this journey we call life and reminded me of some very simple truths that were blurry through my tears... when Nate and I spent time on the phone...when I watched the rain fall day after day over Puget Sound...when I cried for over an hour yesterday in my own little bit of "healing rain"...

and I have to admit, I'm sometimes more afraid than I want to be...still... I am grateful...


Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain

Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain

And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain
To be washed in Heaven's rain...

Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid I'm not afraid...

Doing the Right Thing

... it stinks sometimes...

More

... doctors, more bloodwork... but I made a doctor laugh today, more than once. More than one doctor, too. Some days are like that.

The great part of it all was that because Not so Little Man Anymore needed some bloodwork and a couple of knee xrays (and wow, I know why he's complaining so much now...), we got to spend the day together, talking, laughing, sharing the journey.


I loved today.

Adjustments

We're making some. Lots actually. Some more painful than others... like the one where a friend hurt my feelings, apologized and then just decided I didn't need his friendship (makes it easier for him, I guess) and bailed... like the one where the kids get off the phone with their dad and take three days to have a conversation without snapping, yelling or crying - just enough time to regroup before he calls again... like the friend who made a promise to not "disappear" from my life,again, and did anyway because I can't be something I'm not...like coming home after many hours of working, then fixing dinner, then helping a struggling student with 2 or more hours of homework, every day...like the myriad of doctors' appointments that seem to never end, and are rarely productive...like the tears I finally find time for when the house is quiet and stoicism exhausted.

adjustments... we'll make them, and we'll keep pressing on, grateful that our lives are incredibly blessed with the reminder that God has a plan for this little family of mine and that there are people who truly love us and tell us so; that regardless of the notion some have that it is somehow "less blessed" or "more messy" than someone else's, it is the life God is using to refine us, teach us, love us... and show us that the adjustments are new opportunities to trust His grace and incredible love toward us.

Ode to a Friend

My friend, Nate, deserves some blog space.
Wow, this is plenty. =)
Wouldn't want him to get an ego over this.


p.s. Thanks, Nate, for reading, laughing, praying, sharing, exhorting, encouraging, and "being" with me. You're the B.O.M.B..... and the quintessential R.B.

Sigh