I'm not sure where it came from... perhaps the fact that there is a lot going on and it all falls on me to get it done. To be honest, I can handle it most of the time, but man...there are days... and this must be one of them.
The movie "The Notebook" keeps playing in my mind. I LOVED that book long before the movie was ever made. The song "Walking Her Home," recorded by Mark Schulz, is the mirror of that book/movie and was playing this morning as my daughter and I were in the car. Great, just what I needed. or not.
And the big deal of it all is that I want that kind of love and don't have it. never did. I know: who doesn't? One time I heard someone tell the story of someone who was "alone for three whole years after his divorce," and how hard that was... I know there are those who have never married who long for that companionship wait so incredibly long for it, but it seems the older I get and the longer I've been single (almost double that three years' experience mentioned), the more I wonder if I'm just invisible in some way, or many....just someone admired for being able to hang ceiling fans and comfort hurting teenagers, listen and laugh with, but not someone to pursue.
Seems lately I'm noticed but not known. Or maybe I just don't go out enough to know the difference. And, "out" for me means going to Lowe's to pick up the blinds, hole filler and flowers to plant. I haven't had a real date for a really, really (add as many as you can say 5 times fast without stuttering) long time. I've considered waving my hanky a couple of times, but it appears that a checkered flag would be required and I'm just not that into making myself noticed. =)
Still, I will choose to trust God in the middle of it all. I will continue to be both the "honey" and the "do" on my "honeydo" list. I will be mom and dad, nurturer and disciplinarian, breadwinner and homemaker, completely dependent on the provision, strength, mercy and grace of Christ, without which I wouldn't have a clue how to cope. I will choose to do the right thing and trust that He "knows the plans He has for me...plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11-13.
Knowing Christ is one thing. Choosing to surrender to Him in everything is something else entirely. I'm finding that surrendering the longings is the hardest of all; and yet, I have a pretty good idea that's the whole point....
